Notepassing
by moony391
Summary: Just some random notepassing between the Marauders. Rating for some semimature themes. Plan on it being a series of related oneshots.
1. Whipped Cream

This is just some random note passing story idea. Set in the Marauders Era, these rules apply: **Sirius writes in bold**, _**Remus in bold italics**_, _Peter in plain italics_, James in plain typeface. If Lily is included, as she will be some times, she shall write in underlined plain typeface. Thank you, have a nice day.

_**PART ONE:**_

Guys? I think that I have a problem.

**Exactly when don't you have a problem, Prongs? **

Are you saying that I have too many problems?

**No, I'm implying that you have too many problems. **

I don't have that many problems!

**Yes you do. Nearly everyday, I am greeted with a little note on my desk, and of those times, over half of them begin with, "Guys, I have a problem."**

_**He carries a valid point, Prongs. You do appear to have a great deal of problems. **_

Since when were you involved in this discussion?

_**Well the note was presented to Padfoot with the opening of "Guys." So, I am assuming that when you said "guys" you meant, Padfoot, Wormtail and I. **_

_Shouldn't that "I" be "me" Moony?_

_**No. That "I" is properly placed Wormtail. **_

**Oh God, another grammar discussion. **

Gents, there is a time and a place for a grammar discussion, and this is not it. Now please, you must help me with my problem.

_**Firstly, Prongs, you haven't told us what the problem was. Secondly, I was under the impression that Wormtail and I were unwanted in this conversation. **_

_Wait, we're unwanted? Since when did that happen?_

You aren't unwanted. Sorry, I'm just a bit touchy today. So, about this problem of mine.

**Oh, are we finally good enough to hear of your problems?**

Yes! So my problem is….

_**James, the bell is about to ring. Maybe you should just tell us once class if over. **_

Fair enough.

_**PART TWO:**_

Potter, for God's sake, stop tapping your foot. 

I am not tapping my foot Evans. I am simply jiggling my leg to keep myself from passing out cold right here on the desk, thus drooling, and ruining this paper that you sent me a note on.

Logical reason for insensate foot-tapping, but I don't believe you. 

And why is that dear Evans?

Because if it was so hard for you to stay awake, you wouldn't have had time to muss up that rat's nest atop your head for the fourteenth time this class period. 

Fourteen times? You counted? Oh, Evans, I'm touched.

Touched in the head, more likely. 

Why, yes, actually, I did just touch my head.

You're irritating me, Potter. Go bother one of your little friends. 

I'll have you know that all of my "little friends" are taller than you are Evans.

Really? Even Pettigrew?

Actually, come to think of it, Peter isn't really that tall. But, regardless, not one of my friends fits into the category of "little."

I suppose that I will have to admit that you are in fact correct in that statement. 

Thank you for being mature about this Evans.

Please stop writing to me Potter, I'm getting distracted. 

Fine then.

_Prongs, why did you just hand me a note that you were passing with Lily?_

Because she has stopped providing entertainment for me. So, now it is your turn.

_Oh dear. _

_**PART THREE:**_

Guys, Moony's asleep again.

**In McGonagall's class? Has he lost his mind? She'll murder him for sleeping. **

_It is sort of our fault that he didn't get any sleep last night. _

**Nah, Wormtail, I doubt he would have slept anyways. **

Oh God.

**What? **

Now he's mumbling in his sleep again.

_Wake him up! _

**Yes, before someone hears him, and we have to explain about the Snape ass shaving incident. **

_Snape ass shaving? When did that happen?_

It was two months ago after he landed you a night in the hospital wing with that freakish nosebleed hex.

_Oh yes… _

**That had to be the worst thing that we've ever done Prongs. Not only did we have to see Snape's ass, but we had to touch it. **

You alright, Padfoot? You look a little pale.

_Shouldn't we be waking Remus up?_

**Oh yes, forgot about that for a few minutes. Who wants to do it then?**

Mr. Prongs votes that Mr. Padfoot does it.

_Mr. Wormtail seconds that._

**Mr. Padfoot requests that Messers. Prongs and Wormtail bite him.**

Mr. Prongs would like to point out that Mr. Moony will probably do that when Mr. Padfoot wakes him up.

_Mr. Wormtail agrees and voices that he cannot wait to watch. _

**Mr. Padfoot hates you all. **

So, Wormtail, how long do you figure it'll take him?

_Ten minutes, tops. Moony can be a deep sleeper if we keep him up all night. _

Yes, but our excuse is that brilliant orb that hangs in the sky.

_Yes, that is a good excuse. Blaming the full moon for Remus's exhaustion, even though it was a full moon two nights ago._

I never said it was a good excuse. I just said it was an excuse

_**How long was I out?**_

Ah, Mr. Moony, nice to see you conscious again.

_**Shut up, Prongs. How long was I out?**_

**Only about ten minutes. But you were mumbling again. **

_**I was?**_

_Yes, rather incriminating things as well. _

_**Like what?**_

Something involving whipped cream.

_**I don't know why I'd be muttering about that. **_

**Then why are you blushing?**

Oh my, gents, I think our Moony has himself a girl.

_**I do not. **_

_A boy then?_

_**Wormtail, I most certainly do not have a boyfriend. **_

**He never said boyfriend. Could be a friend with benefits.**

Padfoot, stop wiggling your eyebrows, it's disturbing.

**Sorry, Prongs. **

_**I am not having sexual relations with anyone, male or female. **_

**He's in denial. Embrace it, Moony. Besides, you're long overdue for a good shag or two. **

_I agree. He can get sort of testy when he's horny. _

_**I have never in my life been horny, Wormtail.**_

Then why were you mumbling about whipped cream? Only horny men use whipped cream in bed, Moons.

_**Prongs, even if I was horny, and even if I was sleeping with some one, why do you think that I'd tell you? You'd just make fun of me like you are now. **_

**Aw, we've embarrassed him. Look at his cheeks. **

They are a nice shade of pink.

_Odd that Moony is the only one of us that blushes pink. _

_**Well spotted. **_

**I think he's on to something. It may very well be our proof that Moon is a pouf. **

Wow, rhyming proof even.

_**I'm going to go and sit elsewhere. I don't need this abuse. **_

**WE LOVE YOU MOONSY!**

**A/N: Was it any good? Let me know!**


	2. Blouse

**A/N: Well, I'm back with another chapter. Mostly because my reviews said that I should write one. So, yes, you people have made me change my mind, as this was supposed to be a one shot. Ah well, I'll live with it. **

**Just a reminder, Sirius is in bold, _Remus is in bold italics, _**_Peter is in italics, _James is in plain typeface, and Lily is underlined.

_**PART ONE:**_

**Prongs? Flitwick is giving me that look again. **

What look?

**You know the look. **

Padfoot, I honestly don't know what look you are speaking of.

**Yes, you do. I've told you about it a million times. **

Then, I suggest, that you tell me for the million and first time.

**Prongs, think for a minute. When is the only time I talk about a look from Flitwick. **

Usually right before he carts you off to detention.

_**Ten Minutes Later:**_

_**So, why is Padfoot in detention?**_

_I dunno. Flitwick was giving him the look though. _

**_Really? The look? He should have seen it coming then. _**

Exactly what is this look?

_**You know all about the look, Prongs. You pointed it out to us in third year. **_

I did? I don't remember doing this. And I don't remember there being a Flitwick look.

_It's the detention look. _

_**Yes, the one he gives before putting Sirius or Prongs into detention for making speculations about the exact size of any one of his appendages. **_

You mean the Short-Joke Detention Look?

_Yeah. I thought that was the only one. _

No, Flitwick also has the Looking Sexy for McGonagall Look.

_**And exactly why would Flitwick have given Sirius that look?**_

Come to think of it, I dunno. I suppose I should have known what look it was.

_Yes, you should have Prongs. _

_**PART TWO:**_

**I want to die. **

_**That's too bad. **_

**Any good suicide tips my friends?**

Not since I got over the fact that Evans will never date me.

_But you aren't over that, James. _

Thank you for pointing that out to me Wormtail. So, any good suicide tips?

_None really. I don't really know how to go about killing yourself. _

_**This is a rather morbid topic; it makes me worry about you three. **_

**Don't worry Moonis. Once you fill our heads with the Handy Ideas for Offing Ones-Self, we won't be around for you to worry about. **

Handy Ideas for Offing Ones-Self? Padfoot, did you sit up all night thinking of that?

**Why, yes, actually, I did. So I'd appreciate it if you didn't mock it. **

Why? You've never really minded public humiliation before.

**Yes I have. My low self-esteem is the whole reason that I want to die. **

_**Low self-esteem? **_

**Yes. **

_**You think that you have low self-esteem, Padfoot?**_

**Well, yes, I do. **

_**That idea is simply laughable. **_

**And why is that?**

_Yeah, why? Sirius can have problems with his self-confidence. He's human, you know. _

Since when?

**Since birth, I suppose. And why is it so "laughable" as you put it for me to not think highly of myself?**

**_Because, you, Sirius Black, have one of the biggest heads on this planet. One of your catch phrases is "Because, I'm Sirius Black." You can't get enough of yourself. You've told me time and time again, that if you were a girl, or even a guy, you would date yourself, even if it meant being gay! So, why, I ask, do you think that you have self-esteem issues?_**

**Actually, I haven't the slightest idea. Thank you for making that misapprehension apparent to me, Moony. I owe you my life. **

This conversation has gotten too mushy, I'm out.

_Same here. _

**So, Moony, how about those Cannons?**

_**PART THREE:**_

_**My, my, am I surprised at you three. It's the middle of another boring lesson and I haven't yet received a note. **_

**Are you promoting the idea of note passing?**

_**Well…**_

Padfoot, I think we've finally gotten through to him.

_**It's just that, well, we already know all of the stuff on Animagi, so I'm a bit bored. **_

**Really? I'm surprised that you aren't soaking up all of the excess information. **

_I think he just called you a sponge, Remus. _

_**Really? Sirius, did you just call me a sponge?**_

**No. I called you absorbent, but certainly not a sponge. **

_Absorbent? _

_**It means to, you know, absorb things Wormtail. **_

_I know what it means. _

_**Well, Padfoot, if you didn't call me a sponge, what did you call me?**_

**I dunno; give a moment on this one. **

_Well, what else is absorbent? _

_**Towels. **_

_Toilet Paper. _

**_Sanitary napkins, though I certainly hope the Mr. Padfoot did not call me that. _**

_Sanitary napkins?_

_**Erm ,well, it's a… a kind of… well. **_

It's something that girls use when they have their time of the month.

_Oh. Thanks James. _

Welcome.

_**Why so glum, Mr. Prongs?**_

**I got it: a tampon!**

Oh, you know Moony, Lily's hair is sort of flat today, so I'm having a bad day.

**_Firstly, Padfoot, you disgust me with your dirty mind. I'm offended that you've called me a tampon. Secondly, James, what does Lily's hair have to do with how your day goes?_**

I rate my days by how her hair looks. Today, it isn't looking so spectacular, so I'm having a bad day.

**Wow, Prongs, you've just demonstrated your lake of logic and you stupidity in one fatal swoop. **

_I think you just said the same thing twice, Sirius. _

**That is very likely on my part, Mr. Wormtail. **

I think that Padfoot just admitted to being stupid.

**Not as bad as your momentary lapse of homosexuality, Prongs. **

Wait, now, when was I gay?

_**You rate your day by the look of someone's hair, mate. **_

_It is a little gay, Prongs. _

**Has anyone else noticed that many of our conversations revolve around one of us accusing another one of us of liking other blokes?**

_**Yes, actually, and I've pointed it out before. You three, however, decided that it was more fun to suggest that I was gay than to leave me alone. **_

Get over it already, Moony, it was in first year.

_**I was shy in first year! What had I done to be called gay?**_

**Well, all of your friends were girls. **

_And you're hair was always just so. _

And you had this sort of lisp.

_**Enough! This is ridiculous. **_

**You know, Moonsy, when you get angry, that lisp comes back. **

_**Oh sod off you tampon. **_

_**PART FOUR: **_

**Evans, I'm bored. **

What a shame Sirius. 

**It is a shame. You should keep me occupied. **

Alright.

**Really?**

Yes. Here's my suggestion: Pay attention to the Professor. 

**But you're my partner today! And Slughorn loves you. So, you've become my get out of detention free card. Aren't you happy, Evans?**

Simply ecstatic. 

**I honestly have no idea what James sees in you. **

A brain, perhaps?

**He can see your brain? Does he have X-Ray vision? If he does, why is he wasting time looking inside your head? He could be having so much more fun looking inside your-**

If you wish to see the age of eighteen, Black, I suggest that you do no finish that sentence. 

**Thank you for the warning, Evans. **

You're welcome. Now, please, pay attention. 

**Alright, fine. But first: blouse. **

Blouse? What does blouse have to do with-? Sirius Black, the moment this bell rings, I am going to castrate you with a pair of blunt scissors. 

**And exactly where do you plan on finding these aforementioned scissors? Mind you, now that you have revealed your plan to me, I don't think I'll be staying in class much longer. **

And how do you plan on escaping?

**Like this!**

Hey there, Lily. Out of curiosity, what did you say to Sirius?

That I'd make it so he'd never be able to father a child. 

So that's why he fainted.

**A/N: Well, I got this chapter done much more quickly than I'd originally thought I would. I hope it is as good as the last one, but I have my doubts. Please, tell me what you think!**


	3. A Tale of Two Moonies

**A/N: Here we go. Chapter Three. **

_**PART ONE:**_

**Hi, I'm Sirius Black, and I'm a nymphomaniac. **

Not this again.

**_We know that you're a nymphomaniac, Sirius. None of us have been allowed to sleep in the dorm this year because of you and your little playmates. _**

_Playmates? You make him sound like Hugh Hefner. _

Hugh Hefner?

**_He's an American Muggle who lives in a mansion filled with women who pose nude for a magazine he owns. They're called Playmates; the magazine is called Playboy. _**

**Again, Moony astounds me with his wealth of knowledge on inappropriate things. **

Why do you know about a nuddy-pants magazine?

_**I have an older cousin; he left one at my house the last time he visited. **_

_Besides, all Muggles know about him. _

But Remus isn't a Muggle, Wormy, that's why he goes to Hogwarts.

_**No, Peter is right. I know because I've been around Muggles. My mother is Muggleborn.**_

**I forgot about that, actually. **

Probably because it doesn't mater.

**I know that. **

_Wait, guys, I've been meaning to ask you something. _

_**Alright, Wormtail, shoot. **_

_What's a nymphomaniac? I mean, I know it had something to do with sex, but… yeah. I'd like a definition. _

_**James, stop giggling. Peter, Nymphomania was believed to be a psychological disorder characterized by an overactive libido and an obsession with sex.It was called satyriasis in men though**.** However, now the term hypersexuality is prefrred. Hypersexuality is a desire for human sexual behavior at levels high enough to be considered clinically significant.**_

**Yet another one of your dictionary regurgitations, Moony?**

_**Why, yes, actually. **_

Okay, then what would that make you, Moony?

_**What do you mean?**_

I mean that due to your furry little problem you're… well, uh, you're not exactly…

**Human?**

Yeah.

_**I know that I'm not human. But what does that have to do with being hypersexual?**_

_Well, you said that the definition is a desire for human sexual behavior. _

Exactly, Wormtail, my friend.

**I think the dunderheads are trying to ask if there is a term for people obsessed with hot, sweaty, werewolf sex. **

_**Yes, the female population of Hogwarts.**_

Now who's cocky?

_**PART TWO:**_

_**Lily? Exactly why are you staring at James?**_

I am not staring at Potter. I am glaring at Potter. There is a difference. 

_**Oh, so sorry. My mistake. **_

Yes, it was yours. 

_**Perhaps the dreamy expression was what threw me off. **_

I beg your pardon?

_**Well, you were 'glaring' at James with the same look you wear when you eat brownies. Perhaps that is why I thought you were staring at him. **_

I was not! Well, maybe I was, but I was thinking about brownies!

_**Of course. My apologies for making you feel uncomfortable about your brownie fantasies. **_

Thank you. 

_**You're quite welcome. **_

And Remus?

_**Yes Lily?**_

Don't tell anyone about this. 

_**Tell them about what?**_

Exactly.

_**PART THREE:**_

_I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts._

Really? I thought that you only had two.

_Why only two?_

Check your pants, Wormtail.

_You know, James, maybe the reason that Lily doesn't like you is because you're always making those sick jokes. Not everything revolves around sex. In fact, that habit of yours is making me a little uncomfortable around you. _

The jokes bother you that much, Peter?

_Yes. _

I'm sorry, I never realized it.

_Yes, well, that's alright. _

So now what do we talk about?

_I dunno. You always bring up the topic of conversation. _

Yes, but most of them were sick jokes.

_Yes. _

I've still got nothing.

_Alright, here's one: Where are Moony and Padfoot?_

I dunno.

_That's it? That's all you're going to say?_

Well everything else would be a sick joke.

_Like what?_

Oh, I dunno that they were off making out in a closet.

_James, you need help. Padfoot and moony aren't gay. Well, maybe Padfoot is because he's in love with himself, but Moony isn't. _

**Hey guys. You'll never believe who I just snogged. **

Moony perhaps?

**Why, yes, how did you know?**

I'm just that special.

**Why is Peter beating himself over the head?**

I guess we need to lay off the gay jokes. He seems to think that it's getting out of hand.

**This isn't a gay joke, though. **

I know that, but he seems a bit annoyed by it. Thinks that it's sick or something. Sometimes I wonder if Moony's Prefectness is rubbing off on him.

**But it's the truth. I did, in fact, snog Moony. **

Perhaps, since we call Remus that too, we should choose another code name for Aubrey Bertram's little sister Michelle.

**I don't see why we should. It fits her perfectly. **

Yes, but it confuses Wormy.

**I suppose you're right. **

I still don't understand why she mooned us those times.

**The world will never know, Prongs. The world will never know. **

_**PART FOUR:**_

Good morning gents. Today is a bright and beautiful day.

_**Why so cheerful Prongs? **_

**Yeah, yesterday you were trying to convince us to send you off to the wild during deer hunting season. **

Yesterday is in the past, my boys.

**_Well, yes, that's kind of how yesterday works, Prongs. _**

_What happened to make you so happy?_

I have a date for Saturday.

_**Is this supposed to surprise us? You have a date for every Saturday. **_

**Moonis has a point in this, Prongs. You do normally have a date on Saturdays. Why I this one special?**

Because this one is with some one special.

_Did Lily finally say yes, then?_

No. Shut up.

_**James, as I can see your frustration, may I please point out why Peter is asking about Lily?**_

Go ahead.

_**Well, you've been trying to get Lily to go out with you for years. **_

**You've informed us that she is the love of your life. **

_You rate you days by how her hair looks. _

_**She slaps you almost every time you speak to her, yet you continue to try and flirt with her. **_

**My God, man, you've even got a shrine to her in your closet!**

_He has a what?_

Padfoot, you swore on your man-food that you would never speak of that.

**Sorry, but I couldn't resist. I had to tell. **

_**May I ask what on Earth 'man-food' is?**_

**Yes, you may. **

_**Well, why aren't you answering?**_

**You only asked if you could ask; you didn't actually ask the question. **

Padfoot, you are dead to me.

_Wait, I still don't get it! What's man-food? Which of James's closets?_

**Man-food is what I call the stash of Mrs. Potter's cookies that I keep hidden next to my lucky socks. She sends them to me once a month. They are my treasures! And the shrine is in James's closet at home. Or it was. I'm not sure what Mrs. P. was planning to do with it. **

You told my mother?

**No, I showed it to her when you were out with Bertha Jorkins. **

_**When did you date Bertha?**_

**Last summer when his mother guilted him into the date. **

_You poor thing. _

You showed my mother my Lily Shrine?

**Yes, we've covered this. **

I hate you.

**You've you too, Jamie. **

_So, Prongs, who are you going on a date with this weekend?_

What?

_**You mentioned a date this Saturday. With whom are you going?**_

Oh, yes. My date is with Catriona McCormick.

_**Very funny, Prongs. Who are you really going out with on Saturday?**_

Catriona McCormick.

**Prongs, we aren't that gullible. We know that you aren't going out with the captain of Pride of Portree. **

But that is where you are wrong. I am going out with her.

_But she's married!_

Perhaps I should reword the original statement. It's more of a business meeting.

_**A business meeting? What business could you possibly have with Catriona McCormick? **_

They want me for play for Pride of Portree.

_**You're kidding. **_

I'm dead serious.

**No you're not. You're still sitting up and breathing. **

Enough with the pun. And, yes, Moony, they want me to play for them.

_Wow, James, that's great. _

_**Are you going to do it?**_

I dunno.

**It's the chance of a lifetime, Prongs. **

_**But Lily hates professional athletes. **_

She does?

_**Yes. She thinks they're too cocky and over paid. **_

That's it, I'm not playing.

**A/N: Well? Utter drivel? Complete crap? Any good at all? I'd like some feedback, please. **


	4. Buck Naked and Bladder Problems

**Well, erm, thanks to all of my reviewers. Sorry I didn't get around to replying, I just went back to school so things are a little crazy. So, blame my Advanced Algebra teacher, he's the one loading me up with sixty problems a day. Anyways, here's chapter four!**

**As always, Sirius is bold, _Remus is bold italics, _**_Peter is plain italics, _James is plain typeface, and Lily is underlined. 

_**PART ONE:**_

_**Ninety-Nine bottles of Butterbeer on the wall, Nine-Nine bottles of Butterbeer, take one down, pass it around, Ninety-Eight Bottles of Butterbeer on the wall. **_

Moony, are you drunk? You're writing out the lyrics to songs sung on long trips.

_**James, I am not drunk. I am simply bored out of my skull. **_

Moons, my dear friend, could please tell me what that has to do with you writing out those evil words of torture?

_**Evil words of torture? Prongs, it's just a song. **_

Yes, but if someone starts at one thousand, seven hundred, and twenty-three, the song becomes a means of torture.

_**When did this occur?**_

Over the summer. My parents insisted on going on a road trip, and obviously we couldn't leave Sirius alone in my house. So, we brought him with, and he sang that for over three hours.

_**I'm surprised he lived to see school start again. **_

Trust me, he almost didn't.

**I almost didn't what?**

_**Live to see school. **_

**I didn't? Really? Why is that?**

Remember the trip to Berlin that my parents dragged us on? That was why.

**Come on, Prongs, the trip wasn't that bad. **

I didn't mean the trip. I meant when you started singing.

**You almost killed me over that? Really?**

_**It appears that way. **_

**When did you get here Moony?**

_**I started this note you senseless baboon. **_

**Looks like someone forgot their Midol this morning. **

Sirius, if you really would like to live, I suggest that you stop insulting our furry little friend over there.

_**PART TWO:**_

Does anyone here remember the first time that we got drunk?

_No, I think I was too drunk to remember. _

Very funny. Honestly, I can't seem to remember. Moony? Padfoot? Any input?

**I think it was the Quidditch Party in Fourth Year. Ravenclaw verses Gryffindor, and we wiped the floor with them. **

_**Yes, yes, and then Stubby Boardman and his crew of idiots snuck off to Hogsmeade and came back every liquor imaginable. And then you three proceeded in pouring all of the kinds down my throat. **_

**I happen to remember that after your fourth Firewhiskey that you were very glad that we'd done that. Mind you, you were also animatedly flirting with an armchair, so your opinion may have been a little off. **

_I remember that now! That was also the night that Remus invented his drinking and studying game!_

Drinking and studying game? I don't remember… wait. You mean Buck Naked?

_**Must to always make it a point to embarrass me?**_

**Yes. I forgot the rules to that game. How did it go?**

Well, first, Moony took off his shirt.

_Then Lily and her friend Claire drew a picture of a bucked-tooth cowboy on his stomach. _

**Right, I remember. Then he took out that Charms textbook and started shouting random incantations at us. **

Wandless, thank God. Anyways, if we told him the wrong effect of the spell we had to drink, right?

_Drink and kiss Buck. _

Oh, yes, and kiss Buck.

_**I detest you vile people. **_

**You know you love us. **

_**That would make me gay, Padfoot. **_

**Oh my God! He finally came out! **

_When some one finds Padfoot's dead body in a creek somewhere, all bloody and mangled, should we look surprised?_

Of course not Wormtail. We'll simply tell the person who finds him that we saw it coming from a mile away.

_Right. Won't we be imprisoned for that?_

Quite possibly. But at least we won't be stuck with Padfoot verses Moony everyday.

_Good point. _

_**PART THREE:**_

Men, I have a problem.

**Oh, not this again. **

No, no, hear me out. I need your advice.

_**Alright.**_

Alright, so I was just complementing Lily on her hair, as it is bouncy and shiny today, when she threatens to rearrange my face.

**I don't see this as anything new. But continue Prongs**

Alright, I shall. So, then, as I begin to walk away, not allowing my obvious dashing smile falter, she yells after me that I am a prick.

**Honestly, Prongs, I'd have to say that means that you are a prick. **

What? What makes you say that?

_**Well, Lily does have a rather good judge of character. **_

Remus, Lily is also the one who decided that Sirius was a fairy princess.

**That's because I am a fairy princess.**

_**I'm not even going to attempt to explain exactly how that is not only incorrect, but impossible. **_

Moving on, Lily is wrong about me. I am definitely not a prick.

_**I'm pretty sure she hit the nail on the head with this one Prongs. You do have you rather prick like moments. **_

So much for positive reinforcement guys.

**You're welcome Prongs. **

_**PART FOUR:**_

How much time is left of class?

About ten minutes. Why do you ask?

No reason, Potter. I was just curious.

Alright. I'm just wondering why you have to be so snappy about it. I'm pretty sure that I asked a perfectly innocent (and not pricky) question.

I'm sorry Potter, that was rude. But I… I'm not in a very comfortable situation right now. 

Oh? How so?

No real reason. 

Lily, I suggest that you stop lying. Only for the sake of my sanity, since your lies are becoming increasing inconsistent, and I can't follow all ten of your stories.

Just shut up Potter.

Could you at least tell me what's wrong? Perhaps I can help.

Fine! Fine! I have to use the ladies room. 

Oh.

So much for helping.

Sorry, sorry. Erm… why do you need to use the bathroom?

I am not giving you a detailed description of what I plan on doing in the lavatory, Potter. 

Right. Sorry, but if there was a specific reason, perhaps I make the escape plan work better.

Since when has there been an escape plan? And if so, it had better than Sirius's. 

Never fear, dear lady. It is much different. I just hope McGonagall never finds out it was me who did it.

Well, thanks I guess. 

No problem.

_**Five Minutes Later:**_

_Prongs? Why did McGonagall rush out of the room at the end of class?_

I may have made her think that she ha a bladder control problem.

_Oh. I suppose that explains it then. _

Yes, it does.

**A/N: I must also say that the Buck Naked thing was loving ripped off from, I mean _adapted_ from, the book Gossip Girl. That's about all I have to say, except, you know, review. **


	5. Beaver Time

**A/N: Hello, my darling readers and reviewers. Your reviews have made me so happy that I've already begun to work on this chapter. Be proud of yourselves! **

**CHAPTER FIVE**

_**PART ONE:**_

**Evans, usually goofing off in class is fine by me, but could you please stop it?**

Stop what, Sirius? I'm not doing anything.

**Exactly. You're not taking notes, you're not paying attention, you haven't raised your hand once, and to top if off you're willingly participating in note passing!**

I suppose that I am. 

**You suppose? Evans, honestly, I think you need to have you head checked! **

I don't say that I agree, Sirius, but that is your opinion.

**No, seriously, Evans, you need to cut it out. Yell at me for not paying attention! Please! Or you'll just make this bad day worse.**

Bad day worse? How has your day been bad before now?

**My day has been terrible because my best friend is a complete moron. **

Yes, James usually isn't the brightest crayon in the box. What did he do this time?

**The sodding wanker just officially turned down a contract with the Pride of Portree. **

Pride of Portree? What is that?

**The greatest Quidditch team of the last decade, that's what!**

Oh. Sorry, I'm terrible with Quidditch references. Why did he turn them down?

**Oh, I don't know. Because he wants to ruin my life!**

How exactly does this ruin your life?

**I had a chance to be the best mate of a famous Quidditch star! I would be, like, a secondary celebrity. But, no, he goes and ruins my chances all because Remus says that you don't like professional athletes. **

I do dislike professional athletes. But I don't understand what that has to do with Potter giving up a position on a Quidditch team. 

**I swear, you and James are perfect for each other just because you want to irritate me to death! He likes you, you old hag! He's head over heals, goo-goo eyed, word stumbling, a bumbling idiot around you, and you can't seem to get it that actually likes you!**

Wow. Sirius, I never realized-

**Shut up, woman, I am not done screaming (writing angrily) at you! You're just as bad as he is! You claim to hate him, yet you stare at him in class! You seem to think that he's a prat, which in honesty he is, without giving him time to prove that he has moments where he grows a brain or something! **

Sirius, I'm-

**No! I've got one more thing for you Evans. Not only have to broken my friend, turning him into an overly emotion girl, as well as made him not take that Portree job, but you've convinced all of your little friends that I have rabies! And guess what, they told all of their friends. So, now, I can't get a date! Ahhhh!**

Sirius, I shall respond to that in the following way. 

**You didn't have to hit me so hard, Evans. **

_**PART TWO:**_

Oh my God, it's cold.

_**Yes, this classroom is very cold today.**_

Remus! Give me your sweater!

**_No. I'm cold too. I'm not giving you my sweater._**

No, seriously, Remus, give me your sweater. I need it! I'm freezing.

**_As rude and uncaring as this sounds, that is not my problem. You are the one who took your sweater off in the Common Room this morning because of a coffee stain and left it there. Not me. Sorry, I'm not giving you my sweater. _**

No, Moony, really! I'm cold! I'm turning blue!

_**You are not turning blue. I can see you, you imbecile. **_

Insulting me will do nothing to deter me from my quest. Now hand over the sweater!

_**Never. **_

Honestly, Moony, I'm going to freeze to death. You hear that, I'm going to die!

_**Actually James, I didn't hear that. I saw it, on paper, because you are writing to me. **_

Now is not the time to attempt to be witty Moons! I'm freezing over here. Just give me your sweater!

_**I am not giving you my sweater. End of discussion.**_

It is so far from the end of this! Moonsy, I think I'm coming down with hypothermia!

_**No, you are not. You don't even know what hypothermia is. **_

I'm dying!

_**Enough, James, honestly, class is nearly over. **_

I'm going towards the light….

_**I'm not giving you my sweater James. **_

You know what? No. You suck ass! You hear that? You. Suck. Ass.

_**You want to know something, Prongs?**_

Yes?

_**At least the ass I suck is warm!**_

_**PART THREE:**_

_Hey guys!_

**Wormtail? What do you think you're doing?**

_Writing you a note._

But it's lunch. We can talk during lunch.

_Yeah?_

_**Peter, we write notes in class because we can't talk there.**_

_I know. I just figured that this could be one of our things. _

'Our things?'

_You know the Super Secret Marauder things. _

**We don't have Super Secret Marauder things, Wormy.**

_Yes we do._

**No, we don't. **

_What about being Animagi?_

_**Well, there is that. **_

_And the Map?_

Okay, two things.

_And Remus's 'furry little problem?'_

**Fine, three Super Secret Marauder things. But that's it. That's all. No more. **

_Why not?_

Because there is no use in passing notes during lunch.

_We could, I dunno, discuss secret stuff in them!_

_**Peter, it would but just as dangerous as talking. People could read over out shoulders just as easily as they could overhear us. **_

_I suppose you're right. _

**Now here is my question. **

_**Yes, Padfoot?**_

**If passing notes at lunch is so stupid, then why do we keep writing back?**

Once again, Mr. Prongs is astonished by the fact that Mr. Padfoot actually had a logical thought.

_Mr. Wormtail agrees. _

_**PART FOUR:**_

Potter? May I ask you a question?

Well, Evans, it appears that you already have. But I shall allow you to ask one more question.

Thank you. Is it true that you gave up a position on the Pride of Portree?

Well, yes, actually it is. How did you find out about that?

Sirius was ranting and raving about it a few days ago. 

Oh, alright. Why do you ask?

Sirius said that it might have had something to do with me.

He spoke correctly.

He what?

As much as it pains me to write this, Sirius was right.

What do I have to do with you giving up a professional Quidditch position?

I've heard that you don't like professional athletes. So, I decided to avoid tempting you to backhand me by declining the offer.

You didn't have to do that. 

Of course I did. If I can't seem to get you to return my feelings, the least I can hope for is no longer having you despise every fiber of my being.

But I don't despise every fiber of your being. It doesn't matter to me if you play Quidditch professionally or not. 

What?

You could have played of Portree. I wouldn't have minded. 

What?

I haven't got anything against professional athletes who play out of passion. I just hate the ones in it for the fame and money. 

You mean to tell me that you don't care?

Well, yes, that is what I have been trying to say. 

So, it wouldn't have bothered you if I was on the Pride of Portree.

Not at all. 

Not even a tiny bit?

None what so ever. 

Excuse me. I think I must go drown myself in a toilet.

_**PART FIVE:**_

**Beaver one, beaver all, let's all do the beaver call!**

_**Padfoot? Why exactly are you making that irritating clicking noise with your tongue?**_

**Beaver two, beaver three, let's all climb the beaver tree!**

He's still making that clicking sound.

_And he's miming tree climbing. _

He's finally gone off the deep end.

_**I'm pretty sure that happened about a minute ago when this mad song began.**_

**Beaver four, beaver five, let's all do the beaver jive!**

_**My God, it's too terrible to even watch!**_

Why is he dancing?

_And why is he dancing so badly?_

_**Will he ever stop making that tongue clicking noise?**_

And honestly, who says 'jive?' It's a terribly phrase!

_**Actually, I think that it would be considered a term, but I'm too scarred by the performance right now to give a damn. **_

**Beaver six, beaver seven, let's all go to beaver heaven!**

That seems a little suicidal.

_Do beavers even go to heaven?_

_**I suppose if all dogs go there, beavers must as well. **_

I'm glad to see that no one else cares that Padfoot is planning his suicide using tongue clicks and hand flapping.

_Hand flapping?_

_**I think that it's supposed to be wings. Angel wings, I think. That is, of course, assuming that beavers can be angels. **_

**Beaver eight, beaver nine! Stop! It's beaver time!**

_Does that mean that it's over?_

I have not idea dear Wormtail. I have no idea.

**A/N: Alright, so this was a rather speedy update on my part. This chapter isn't as long as I would have wanted, but oh well. It seems alright I suppose. Please review!**


	6. I'll Believe It When I See It

**A/N: Okay, so I haven't updated in a while Like, many, many months. I have no real excuse, but I hope you shall all forgive me!**

**Disclaimer: I still own nothing but the thoughts in my head.**

_**PART ONE:**_

**Has anyone ever wondered why Hagrid is so big?**

_**Well, yes, but most of us keep those impolite and insensitive thoughts to ourselves. **_

**Shut up, Moony, I don't need your PMS crap. Go take some Midol, and get with the topic of conversation.**

_**I'm choosing to ignore your pricky comment about Midol, and ask you this: What is the topic of conversation?**_

**Is Hagrid part Yeti?**

_**What?!?**_

**Is Hagrid part Yeti?**

_**I read it fine the first time, dumb ass. My "what" was in referenced to the completely ridiculous theory that Hagrid is part Yeti. **_

**Why else would he be so big and hairy?**

_**How should I know? Maybe he has and overactive pituitary gland. Maybe he was hit with a jinx that caused random growth spurts and facial hair. Maybe he swallowed a bottle of Skelegrow and never learned to shave! The point is, it doesn't matter, and I refuse to continue this conversation!**_

Why is Remus writing so violently?

**Be still my beating heart! Lily Evans is not only participating in something that is Maraudery, but she is also speaking to me again! My lucky day! **

_**Maraudery is not a word.**_

**Sod off Lupin. **

I hate to interrupt your lovely couple's tiff, but I just want to know what you were fighting about. Other than the pattern for your china. 

**Did you read that, Moons? She just called us gay. **

_**Everyone calls us gay. Get used to it, get over it, get on with whatever point you were trying to make. **_

**But ****why**** does everyone call us gay? We don't do gay-like things. **

You hug Remus everyday. 

**So? You hug your little friend what's-her-face everyday. **

I know I do. But I don't do that while whispering things into her ear and then giggling about them. 

**So what if I do that? I have secrets! I'm allowed to share them with Remus if I want. **

_**Did you ever consider that I don't want to hear about your escapades, Padfoot?**_

**Oh you know you do, Moony. Now, go fetch our half-Yeti friend Hagrid for me so I can sic him on Evans. **

I'm still reading this you know. 

**Damn, Moony, I thought you got rid of her. **

_**I did no such thing, Paddis. **_

Aha! More proof that you two are gay! You have pet names for each other!

**That isn't fair! We have ****nick****names for James and Peter too! **

_**He has got you there Lily. **_

**Remus! Why are you taking this from her! Stand up and fight like a man! Defend your masculinity. **

_**I don't have to defend my masculinity.**_

**Why is that?**

_**Because I'm the one who has a date with Lily's friend, so beautifully renamed by you as "What's-her-name," tonight, while you sit in our dorm, giving yourself a facial. **_

You give yourself facials?

…**No…**

Can I come to your dorm tonight?

**Sure.**

_**PART TWO:**_

**Holy Shit! I'm so screwed. **

Why do you think that, my little puppy?

**I'm going to fail my N.E.W.T's, that's why! I haven't studied at all. There is no way I'll be hired as an Auror if I fail my N.E.W.T's! **

Sirius, those tests are two months away. We have time to study.

**No, we don't. We should have started ages ago! We shouldn't be slacking off like this! We need to take notes! We need to cram! We need… we need… we need to go the library! **

Padfoot, what has brought about this sudden wave of Mooniness? I'm very confused.

**This isn't Mooniness, which isn't a word anyway, this is being practical. I need to study.**

Whatever you say.

_If you are so worried about studying, why are you passing us notes?_

Wormtail makes a logical point.

_Really?_

**Oh well, this is Defense, I'll probably do alright on the practical part of that. But I can always make up the notes over the weekend. **

_The weekend? What about… Wait, who is your girlfriend this week?_

I think he's seeing Shelly.

_Right, won't Shelly mind?_

**I dumped her. I need to get some work done this weekend. **

For crying out loud, man, you got straight O's on your O.W.L's. You'll do fine!

**No! I need to study.**

Moony, I know I'm barking up the wrong tree here, but could you please tell Padfoot that he still has two months? I mean, come on, you aren't even studying yet.

_**Eh, whatever.**_

What?

_**Does it really matter? I mean, who needs to study. It is just another way for the Ministry to stereotype and categorize us. Who cares?**_

**Uh, you do?**

_**Not anymore. I'm not going to study. I don't need to. I know everything that I need. **_

_Has anyone else picked up on the sudden role-reversal?_

Yes, I have. It is really freaking me out.

_Why is that?_

_**There is nothing weird about this. Studying is for losers. Is anyone up for sneaking for Hogsmeade tonight?**_

**Can't. I have homework. **

Isn't there a Prefects' Meeting tonight, though?

_**So? Blow it off with me, Mr. Head Boy.**_

**N**o. I think that I'm going to do a little studying tonight. My last Potions grade was pretty bad.

_**Probably because Slughorn is worried that your crush on Evans has potential. He's trying to flunk you to keep you away from her. **_

But… you've always said that he just liked her as a student.

_**Did I? Oh well, I was only saying that to make you feel better. He wants her. Bad. **_

**Remus, leave poor James alone. It isn't his fault that he is both blind and stupid. **

I'm not blind! Or stupid! I'm just confused.

**Well, I think that it is pretty obvious that Slughorn has feelings for Lily. He is always seeking her out, staring at her longingly, and inviting her to Slug Club meetings. But he might just be an overly enthused teacher, worrying about her leaving school. I can't be sure. **

I don't believe this.

_Who are you and what have you done with my friends????????_

Peter, put your wand down. Now, you two, Study Boy and Lazy Freak, same question.

**What question? I was copying down the procedure for disarming a dragon. **

Disarming a dragon? I'm not even going to ask. Now, I will ask this: Who are you and what have you done with Sirius and Remus?

_**We are Remus and Sirius.**_

I'll believe it when I see it.

_**PART THREE:**_

**Gents, I am very talented.**

_**Sirius, honestly, I don't want to hear about how Janice was screaming your name last night. Plus, why gents? I'm the only one in this class with you?**_

**Janice? Oh, Janice, right. Yeah, Janice and I are over. And, well, I was referring to both sides of my Moony.**

_**That's too bad… And stop calling me your Moony. It makes me feel unclean.**_

**Don't you want to hear about my talent?**

_**Not really, but I know you'll tell my anyway. So, go ahead Padfoot.**_

**Okay. So, I can make everything sound dirty.**

_**You can? Really?**_

**Yes. Now, I shall prove it. Give me something boring.**

_**Okay…? How about a doughnut?**_

**Oh, Moony, that's just too easy. I want a challenge! Anyway, just to appease you, doughnuts love me. **

_**Okay, fine. Erm… Quidditch.**_

**Quidditch is so bad. Think about it. People on sticks, throwing balls into circular hoops. **

_**You are a very disturbed little boy.**_

**That's gross Remus.**

_**You make me want to punch babies, I swear.**_

**Give me another one. **

_**No.**_

**Just one more? Please?**

_**Oh, fine. Erm… a sponge.**_

**Birth control.**

_**Damn it.**_

_**PART FOUR:**_

So, lads, what are we all up to at the current moment?

_Staring at the chalkboard, waiting for Potions to finally make sense._

Why are you in here again, Wormtail?

_I can't even remember._

**I don't know either, Wormy. And, Prongs, I am currently levitating dragonfly wings into Snivelly's cauldron, in hopes of an explosion. **

_That's not very nice, Sirius. You could hit Lily. _

WHAT?!?!?!?!

_Lily and Snape are working together today._

**Gross. You ought to watch your girl a little better Prongs. **

She's not my girl.

**Yet.**

_Don't encourage him, Padfoot._

**Fine, ruin all of my fun!**

_Fine, I will!_

Man, you two really do go nuts without Moony around. How are you going to survive once we graduate?

**Simply, I'm kidnapping Moonis and taking him with me everywhere I go.**

Does he know about this?

**Oh, he'll find out.**

_I'm a little afraid of what he'll find._

Me too.

_**PART FIVE:**_

Potter, I need to talk to you. 

Alright, Evans. What would you like to discuss?

This obsession that you seem to have with me.

I wouldn't call it that, Lily; it makes me sound like a stalker. I prefer unhealthy infatuation.

Right. Sure. Whatever. Anyway, Potter, this needs to stop. 

What does?

You're obsession with me!

Please, Lily, unhealthy infatuation.

It doesn't matter what you call it! Potter, I want you to leave me alone.

What?

Potter, you know what I wrote. Now, please, stop bothering me!

But, Lily! You can't possibly want me to let you alone!

Oh, I can, and I do.

No, you don't. I can tell. You're just too embarrassed about what people will say about us. Especially after the way you've treated me this year.

You are the most arrogant prick I have ever had the misfortune of knowing. 

Oh, you know you love it.

I hate you.

Love you too, Lily.

…Lily? You okay? You're face is a little red.

I'm perfectly fine, James. 

If you say so.

Meet me by the Room of Requirement later?

I thought you'd never ask.

_**PART FIVE:**_

**Oh, look it! The two love birds! **

_**Padfoot, lay off. It's about time that those two got together. Don't tease them. I would **__**kill you**__** if you made them break up!**_

**Honestly, though, Moony, doesn't the sight of them make you want to viciously rip apart the innards of a poor defenseless deer?**

…_**. No…**_

**I must be the only one then.**

_**It sure looks that way. **_

**I swear if they kiss one more time!**

_**What will you do? Whine to James?**_

**Maybe.**

_**Uh-huh.**_

**Kissing is disgusting. I'm no fan of PDA.**

_**That is a down right lie. I know you like PDA. You're always kissing your conquests in the halls for people to see. **_

**But those are my conquests. Not Prongsy's. **

_**And that makes okay?**_

**Yeah, I don't have to see myself.**

_**I can see why you wouldn't want to. I mean, ugh, you aren't exactly aesthetically appealing. **_

**Sod off, you pasty little twit.**

_**At least I don't have syphilis. **_

**I told you that in confidence! **

_**So? I told you about my stuffed bear in confidence 2**__**nd**__** year; it didn't stop you from hanging it on the flag pole. **_

**At least I don't shave my legs!**

_**I don't**__** pluck **__**my **__**eyebrows**_

**I don't dream about whipped cream!**

_**I've never had a fantasy about Professor McGonagall!**_

**Call it even?**

_**Yeah, I think that's fair.**_

**A/N: Sorry the update took so long. There might be a few more chapter of this fic, but I'm not sure how many more. I think I'm just going to get the boys and Lily to the end of 7****th**** year. Maybe, if I'm feeling frisky, I'll write a sequel. Maybe. All depends on the level of friskiness. Please review!**


	7. Happy NEWT Day!

**A/N: So, I said to myself that I was going to work on chapter 7 as soon as six was done. And, I did. Unfortunately, I got side tracked. But, while I'm here, I'd like you all to look out for a story that shall be coming soon. It's a collaboration piece that I'm working on with my boyfriend. It's untitled as of now, but it will follow the Hogwarts career of a Teddy Lupin. So, when it is posted, I would really love it if all of you could give it a looksy! Thanks!**

**Anyway, here it is!**

_**PART ONE:**_

I love you, a bushel and a peck. A bushel and a peck, and a hug around the neck. A hug around the neck and a barrel and a heap. A barrel and a heap and I'm talking in my sleep about you.

_**James, as amused as I am with your written version of Guys and Dolls, I'm really trying to concentrate. **_

But, Moonsy! I need to know if this acceptable to send to my dear, darling, girlfriend Lily, whom I love and adore.

_**You want to send a note with the words of a song from a musical?**_

Yes.

_**May I point out that those lines in the song are sung by a woman?**_

They are?

_**Yes.**_

Shit. Now what do I send here?

_**How should I know? She's your girlfriend; you should know what she wants to hear.**_

But she's only my girlfriend because you told me what to say to get her to go out with me!

_**Well, that is true.**_

Exactly!

_**Well, then, it looks as if Lily isn't really going out with you at all.**_

WHAT!?!?!?!

_**Well, if she's only going with you because of what I told you to say, then I suppose she really doesn't like you. She likes me.**_

Quit trying to steal my girl, Moony! I'll write her a love note all by myself.

_**Thank goodness.**_

_**PART TWO:**_

**Moony, you are so boring. **

_**I'm sorry?**_

**Well, it's not exactly you that's boring. It's just when you're sober, things tend to be sort of dull. **

_**When I'm sober, I'm dull?**_

**Yes. You are far more amusing when you are drunk. And I am bored. So, please get drunk immediately. **

_**No. No, I will not.**_

**But, why not?**

_**Well, I have a list of reasons. **_

**You've prepared a list?**

_**Yes.**_

**I told you that you were dull. **

_**Anyway, the list:**_

_**1. We are in the middle of class**_

_**2. I have no alcohol on my person to consume**_

_**3. I am very much ashamed of my actions whist I am drunk**_

_**4. I am not in the mood for a rousing game of Buck Naked**_

_**5. I have a small tolerance for alcohol, and I might vomit on my classmates**_

_**6. Beer goggles are very dangerous when Lily is around**_

_**7. I don't want James to kill me for number 6**_

_**8. The last time you got me drunk I professed my undying love to Snape in front of the entire student body, bring much shame down upon my family name**_

_**9. I like this set of robes and I'd rather not ruin them by accidentally lighting them on fire… again**_

_**10. I would actually like to get a good grade on this N.E.W.T.**_

**I suppose those are some pretty good reasons. **

_**Thank you.**_

**I'd still like you to get drunk, though.**

_**You're impossible.**_

**No, I'm Sirius.**

_**Can't say I didn't try.**_

**This is true.**

_**PART THREE:**_

**I am hungry.**

_Same here!_

Me three.

_**We just ate breakfast twenty minutes ago!**_

**So? Growing boys need to eat!**

_**If you keep eating like that the only way you'll be growing is sideways.**_

**Prongs! Moony called me fat!**

No, he said that you were going to get fat.

**Wormy, Prongs is siding with Moony!**

_So? He usually does when you whine._

**But… but… He should be on my side.**

Why is that?

**Because, Moony smells!**

_**I do not!**_

_Actually, Moony, you sort of do._

_**What?**_

I think Wormtail is saying that you have a distinct odor, Moons.

_**I do not smell! You're all just yanking my wand. Right?**_

**No. Sorry, Rem, but you smell. **

_**Why didn't anyone mention anything before?**_

_We were afraid you'd freak out._

Kind of like you're doing now.

_**I'm not freaking out! I'm just, well, mortified! How long have I smelled?**_

**Since we met you.**

So, roughly, seven years.

_**Seven years? Why didn't you tell me? I would have, I dunno, showered more often or something!**_

_It's okay, Moony, we really don't mind. _

**Yeah, I sort of like the smell of sandalwood and cinnamon.**

_**Sandalwood and cinnamon? What?**_

You smell like sandalwood and cinnamon, Moonis.

**A little bit girly, but not too bad.**

_**Oh my God, I hate you all!**_

_I'm still hungry, though. _

**Yeah. Who wants doughnuts?**

_Me!_

I do!

_**Bite me.**_

_**PART FOUR**_

**Good morning lady and gentlemen. Happy N.E.W.T. Day!**

_Sirius, stop reminding me! I'm so nervous!_

Ah, don't sweat it Wormtail; just try to concentrate on the stuff that you know.

Wow, James, I'm impressed. It seems as if that was a truly kind and caring message to Peter.

It was.

Exactly.

**I think it just made him sound like Moony. **

_**There isn't anything wrong with sounding like me.**_

**Righto… so, what test do we all have first?**

I've got Ancient Runes at nine.

_**Same here.**_

My first test isn't until 11; Muggle Studies.

Muggle Studies? You're taking Muggle Studies?

Yeah.

Why?

**He's taking it because the bloke hasn't got any idea how to put on a pair of Muggle pants. **

Quit laughing; it was six years ago!

_**Still one of the funniest things I've seen in years. And that includes the time that Lily gave your face tentacles. **_

Oh, I remember that. Probably one of my better jinxes. 

_I'll say. _

I'd rather that we didn't talk of my past humiliations, thank you very much.

**But, Prongs, if we can't talk about your stupidity, we'd have to talk about Moony's. **

_**Mine? Why mine? We're always talking about mine. Why not yours?**_

**I don't have any moments of idiocy in my past.**

Oh, really now?

**Really. **

What about that time in second year when you were caught singing, "I'm a Little Teapot" while you were taking a piss?

_Or that time that you crashed your broomstick into the Ravenclaw Tower, went through the window, and had six girls beat you with their stuffed animals?_

Or that once when you fell asleep in History of Magic? When Remus woke you, you mumbled something like, "Oh, Minerva, do that again."

_**Yes, or this year when you kept trying to run up the girls staircase so that you could slide down them for fun. **_

**I don't know what you're talking about. **

Of course not, mate.


	8. The Most Platonic Way Possible

**A/N: Hello all of you out there in fanfiction land! Here is the update that many of you asked for. However, for the next five (and final) chapters, there are a few new things I'd like to point out.**

**The writing remains the same as always: Sirius writes in bold, **_**Remus in bold italic, **__Peter in plain italic, _James in plain typeface, and Lily in underlined plain typeface. 

**However, here is the twist: These aren't notes! Well, they are sort of notes. You see, these last few chapters will be the messages that the Marauders and Lily leave in each others yearbooks. I really hope that you enjoy them! There **_**are minor spoilers to Deathly Hallows,**_** so if you haven't finished, I'll ask you not to read this chapter for a while yet, because I do not want to spoil it for you. Thanks!

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**The Yearbook of one Mr. Sirius Orion Black **

**Who is also referred to as Padfoot**

**And Paddis when Moony decides he is in trouble**

**And Captain Sexy**

**Okay, I just made that one up**

**But, I am sexy**

**Yeah.**

**Really sexy and stuff**

**Oh, the sexiness is way too much for you**

**I can tell**

**Especially if Lily is the one signing this**

**Because she likes James**

**God only knows how that happened**

**I even tried offering myself to her, since I am a nice guy**

**A nice sexy guy**

**Who deserves someone equally as sexy**

**Like Lily**

**Who is also very sexy.**

**Like Captain Sexy**

**Anyway she did not fall head over feet for Captain Sexy**

**In fact she slapped me**

**That bitch.**

**Oh well.**

**Maybe she is as blind as Prongs**

**Because I am dead sexy**

**Oh well**

**I'm still sexy**

**Even without a Mrs. Captain Sexy.**

**On with the Yearbooking!**

_**Dear Padfoot, **_

_**Wow, these past seven years have really flown by. Sometimes I'm still certain I've dreamed half of this stuff we've done up, but well, if this is all a dream it was rather entertaining… and embarrassing. The embarrassing parts should have been a dream; I might have been able to save a bit of face. Why are we friends again? Why did you have to tell everyone that I shave my legs, again? Honestly, sometimes you are really a crap best mate. Seriously, why **_**are**_** we friends again? You've really been a jerk to me over the years. **_

_**Like that time you old everyone that I peed myself in First Year after spilling Pumpkin Juice in my lap. Very classy, Sirius, I really enjoyed hiding in the bathroom most of the day. Especially after you told everyone that I was in there crying. And then, when I finally got a chance to yell at you, you told me that I lisp, especially when I get angry, thus making all of my threats sound completely useless and lispy. Even though, to this day, I haven't got a clue where you got the idea that I had a lisp. Because, damn it, I don't! Then you told everybody that I was gay. Oh yes, good times. I hexed you, didn't I?**_

_**And then there was the time when you made me sleepwalk through the castle NAKED! Yeah, that really had me in stitches, learning that most of Ravenclaw house had seen me in the buff. Especially because that one creepy girl who greatly resembled a yak that followed me around for a few weeks, claiming she wanted to "take another gander at the goods." I hexed you for that too. **_

_**Oh, and this is my personal favorite: You bet me that Ravenclaw would beat Slytherin at Quidditch at the beginning of this year. The stakes were as thus: If I won you had to try to wait tables in a waitress uniform in the Great Hall the next morning. If you won, then I had to propose to every person that had hair past their chin that I happened upon for two days. Well, sadly, you won. So, I proposed to no less than 45 people including, but not limited to, Lily, you, Mary Macdonald, Professor McGonagall, Snape, Moaning Myrtle, my own mother who had dropped by the school to tell me that my Great-Aunt Joan had passed away,**_ _**Aubrey Bertram's little sister Michelle, Aubrey Bertram himself, your brother, your married cousin Andromeda, your cousin's daughter Nymphadora who may have thought that I was serious, Bertha Jorkins, Sybill Trelawney, the bartender from the Hog's Head, Madame Rosemerta, Bellatrix, Gilderoy Lockhart, Hagrid, and Professor Dumbledore. MOANING MYRTLE ACCEPTED!!!! I still haven't been able to tell her that it was a joke; she'd flood the bathroom again. The girls of Hogwarts would murder me, and then I would have no choice but to haunt the bathroom with my wife… Moaning Myrtle. I'm glad that I hexed you.**_

_**Yeah… fun times, Paddis.**_

_**Although, there was that one time that I got you back… sort of. Well, actually, you probably haven't found out about it yet. So, I suppose, I will keep my mouth shut/quill capped for the time being. But, never fear, you'll find out what I mean when you return to James's house tonight for the graduation party. **_

_**All in all Padfoot, you've made my time at Hogwarts interesting… and usually fun. Thanks for being my friend, and no I am not planning on moving to Albania to search for the lost diadem of Ravenclaw as you've told many of our classmates, although I'm not sure where you got the idea that the lost diadem is even **__**in**__** Albania. Nor am I going to try for the title of Most Brainy Swot in Britain, as you told Peter earlier today. Also, you and I aren't Honeymooning in South Carolina, as I have heard you telling some third year Hufflepuffs. Sorry that I had to break the news to you like this, but I thought you would have figured out over the years that I'm not gay, nor have I ever been gay, and even if I was gay, I doubt that I would be attracted to you. Oh, and may I add that I was not an old "cat lady" in a past life. I'll have you know that I prefer dogs to cats, and no, that doesn't mean that I will change my mind about the idea of us getting married and the Honeymoon is included in that statement. Oh, and no, I am not desperately in love with your four-year-old second cousin Nymphadora. Okay, I think that is all. I hope that when your children read this they laugh at you a lot, and that they humiliate you by telling every stranger that they happen upon that their father had been a complete berk sometimes in school. Oh, and maybe they should also mention that you were occasionally a nice guy. But only occasionally. **_

_**-Remus Lupin a.k.a. "Moony"**_

After giving it much thought, I have decided to address this to your birth name, just in case you lose your memory of the escapades of the Marauders sometime in the future and cannot remember for the life of you who the hell Padfoot is. So, without further ado:

Sirius,

So, damn, we're graduating in approximately fourteen hours. I'm almost freaking out, mostly because in fifteen hours I have to start acting like an adult and stuff. This is really scary. Oh, wow, I should just scratch out all of that. It makes me sounds like a girl! Okay, from here on out, this entry in your yearbook is going to be nothing but manly. Oh so very manly.

So, what sort of manly things shall I talk about here? Oh, chicks dude, chicks! Remember all the chicks we used to get? As you are reading this over my shoulder, I will amend my previous statement to read as thus: Remember all of the chicks _you_ used to get? Like, that really hot exchange student last summer? You know, that one who was from Italy, even though she was British. Yeah, well, she was very hot and all that. What was her name again? Leigh something, right? Great legs… and other things that are a bit north of the legs, she had. Damn it, I really hope Lily doesn't read this. Then I will find myself in a bit of a pickle, considering that she'll kill me and such.

But then I wouldn't have to act like an adult. That would be a nice plus. This makes me sound both girly and suicidal…

Screw being manly, you already know that I'm basically an overly emotional lesbian with a penis. So, anyway, Hogwarts started out a bit rocky for us didn't it? Remember the train, we were getting on fine, even after you mentioned that you're whole family was, like, born into Slytherin House. But, I haven't got any idea what happened, but then we hated each other for about a month or so. Right? So, that was messed up. Well, I do believe that the two of us ended up rebonding over our mutual hatred for one Snivellous Snape after that whole Peter thing, and we pulled our first joint prank on him. Remember the fake love note? The one where we went out on a whim and signed as Lily before stuffing it in Snape's bag when he wasn't looking? I can't remember exactly what it said, but it had something to do with him needing to do something spectacular in order for her to recognize her feelings for him. Oh, I felt bad for Lily in the end, but watching Snape attempt to impress her for weeks was almost worth it. Almost. Okay, not really… but I only say that because Lily is making angry faces at me right now. I wonder how she can tell that I am writing about her.

Okay, so Remus has informed me that I was saying each word I wrote down out loud. I will have to work on not doing that from here on out.

Ah, this is rather pathetic, Pads. There won't be any Slytherins to prank. I won't play anymore Quidditch games for Gryffindor. We won't have to put up with Snape on a daily basis. We won't have to sleep in the same room as Remus, which will save us the trouble of having to pry him out of bed each morning. That I am thankful for, as this morning he pulled his wand on me, and I've got no eyebrows to speak of. I'll never have to chase you down the halls for stealing my Head Boy badge. Or for insisting that you are Mary Queen of Scotts. Or for dressing in only a bathrobe and trying to convince McGonagall to "Let down her beautiful hair" in only aforementioned bathrobe. I'll never have to "save you" from the Giant Squid, as you are still insisting that it loves you. I won't have to tell Moaning Myrtle off for "sexually harassing" you. I won't ever walk in on Moony shaving his legs again… or at least, I'd better not. Peter will never ask us to help him with potions again… well, that might still happen. But, we will have the option to say no because we won't have the guilt of getting him into N.E.W.T. potions hanging over us anymore!

So, seriously Padfoot, you're like my brother. This is lame, but, I love you man.

But don't get any ideas.

I am not gay.

And I will probably not allow myself to be near you alone for awhile.

Because you aren't going to molest me.

Go after Moony, he's scrawny. He won't be able to fight you off as well.

Okay, Padfoot, point taken, I'm not exactly a body builder either.

Whatever.

I'm still not your "Prongsy."

Only Lily can call me that.

Yes, I know, I'm totally whipped.

-James Potter (Prongs)

_Padfoot,_

_You've been such a good friend to me over the years. Really, you have. I don't know how I would have passed my N.E.W.T. classes if it weren't for you. Actually, now that I think about it, without you, James, and Remus, I might not have ever managed to get into an N.E.W.T. class! Ha-ha. _

_Remember in first year? You defended me against Snape in that Potions class. I think that was actually when you and James started talking again. It sort of settled that debate didn't it? Huh, maybe I should have made you two defend me every time you got into a fight. It certainly couldn't have hurt last year. Yikes. _

_Speaking of last year, what the hell prompted you to strut about the Common Room over the Easter Holiday in nothing but whipped cream and high heels? I really never saw the point, though Lily's face was priceless when you asked her if she wanted to lick it off. _

_Granted, that face may have just been on account of the fact that it was actually _her_ six inch stilettos that you were wearing. Sometimes I think that you are almost too weird to function. But, I love you anyways. _

_In a platonic sense of course. _

_I don't want you getting any ideas. _

_Besides, I heard that you are Honeymooning with Moony in the States sometime in the near future. _

_Good luck dragging him along, buddy. It won't be easy. Especially if he has his wand on him. _

_Though, if you do manage it, take lot of pictures. _

_Oh, and dress him in one of those tacky Hawaiian shirts. That'll be great._

_So, wow, graduation. As of tomorrow, we will be real adults. And we'll have jobs soon. And we'll get married. And have kids…And we won't be pulling pranks, or walking in these halls, or seeing each other everyday… Sorry, I just had a minor panic attack. Don't worry about me. I'm just not sure that all of this responsibility being thrust upon us at once is a good idea. I'd hate to see us crack under the pressure. _

_Honestly, Sirius, you're always a good laugh. I hope that we still see each other often once we graduate. _

_-Wormtail_

So, Sirius, did you notice that pretty much everyone is writing you a book? So, I guess that means I shall have to write you a book.

So, here goes:

Sirius,

Honestly, you drive me insane. For exactly six and a half years, I couldn't stand you. However, upon getting to know you a teensy bit I decided you're really not that bad.

A little annoying, but not that bad.

Well, you can make me laugh. You can tease James, almost better than I can. And, you are a really good friend, despite all of your weirdness. Well, Sirius, the only real thing I can say about you is that you know who you are. The unfortunate thing about that is, I don't think you always like yourself enough. And that's when you're oddball jerk-face act shines through. But, never fear, I have learned to adjust. You will no longer suffer through detention from me again for being weird. Well, that is, unless I catch you publicly humiliating any unfortunate kids again. It doesn't matter how old we are, I'll still throw you into detention for that one. 

Oh, and for the record? I still am not taking you up on your offer for one "hot, passionately night." Also, I don't care if you will spend the rest of your life, "waiting passionately" for me. Mostly because I haven't a clue how one waits passionately. And, yes, I am aware that you consider us "sexiness equals" but that doesn't mean that we are going to get together and "repopulate the world with sexy people", as you so eloquently put it yesterday. Again, despite what you think, the world isn't barren of people, and James and company are not hallucinations. 

Well, Bob the Magical Fish is, Sirius, but I figured that I would hold off on telling you until the last possible second. 

Sirius, you are a pretty great guy. Pretty reckless, pretty mental, and pretty weird, but a great guy nonetheless. Try not to change too much, we all love you exactly the way that you are! 

XOXO in the most platonic way possible. 

-Lily

**A/N: That's all for now. I'll try to update soon, but I doubt that'll happen. While you wait, check out my new story, It Was Just How You Looked in the Light. It's a total angst fest. Toodles!**


	9. Corn Day

**A/N: Hello all! After a very…. long wait, here is another chapter of the world famous (yeah, right), NOTEPASSING! Yay! *confetti* Enjoy. **

_**The Yearbook of Remus J. Lupin.**_

_**Also know as Moony.**_

_**No obnoxious addition to that like a certain someone else's yearbook.**_

_**(CoughSiriusCough)**_

**Moonis Taboonis!**

**Whoa, okay, I'm weirding myself out. I don't think I've ever even called you that. **

**Let's try again:**

**Dear Moony,**

**These past seven years have been amazing. You've always been there for me, laughing with me, crying with me, picking me up off the floor when I was drunk off my ass and was humping a lamp shade like there was no tomorrow. And you were even kind enough to keep your mouth shut about that incident in front of James. I can't picture my life without you. You mean everything to me. Will you marry me?**

**Okay, okay, sheesh, there was no reason to get so violent about it. A simple "no" would have sufficed. Yoda Almighty that stings like a bitch.**

**I'll get you for that Moony, if it's the last thing I do. **

**I suppose now would be a bad time to remind you of that time I filled your bed with inflatable goats, then? They were pretty realistic goats, I must say. Especially since they were made of plastic and, you know, inflated. I liked the touch you added right before you sicced them on me. The "baahing" was rather realistic. The razor sharp teeth, however, were not. Goats chew on grasses Moony, not hunks of flesh. I think you were confusing goats and wolves. Speaking of goats, why are goats goats, but sheep not sheeps? I don't understand. Also, why don't sheep shrink when it rains?**

**Ah, Moony, you were always trying to be the voice of reason. Yet, I do believe that you created some of more memorable moments of our school years. **

**Like that time you passed out in Defense Against the Dark Arts in second year when we had Professor Sullivan, that creepy old man who was ancient and had skin so thin and papery that you could practically watch his blood being pumped through it. Anyway, you were snoozing happily on your desk, a darling little drool puddle forming on top of your notes when Professor Sullivan came over and smacked his wand on the desk to wake you up. The noise was crazy loud and you jolted awake, looked at him for about four point five milliseconds, and yanked some ornate silver (white gold, as I later discovered you furry-types have an aversion to silver) Crucifix from around your neck and started carrying on about how the power of Christ compelled him. **

**I wet my pants. It's embarrassing to admit, but I did. I had to be carted out of the room by James and Peter because I was laughing too hard to move. **

**Then, of course, you do a lot of funny things while just waking up. Like that time last summer when you pulled James into a headlock and demanded that he tell you exactly where he'd "put the pudding." James was obviously clueless as to what on earth you were carrying on about and he spent a good part of two hours trying to break out of that headlock. You were actually asleep for most of that time, and since James is so incredibly inattentive, he didn't notice and kept struggling about trying to free himself from your rather slack grip.**

**Honestly…. You are brilliant mate. That time you filled a Muggle prescription pill bottle with Bertie Bott's Beans and ate them for several hours straight in front of Lily Evans was great. Especially when you started "seizing" on the floor in the middle of your Prefect's Patrol in fifth year. I happened to walk by and watch her attempt to shove a spoon in your mouth to prevent you from biting off your tongue while you were "foaming at the mouth." She's still incredibly pissed at you about that, but it served her right for telling you just go jump off a roof when you simply commented on the nature of Snape's uber oily hair. **

**Well, Moonsy, we've had a good run. I hope that in the future you continue to talk in your sleep about transforming the Ministry of Magic into a Communist Faction. And that you still claim to be the Indian God Shiva. And that your armpit hair never does reach the rather strange goal that you had for it during second year, which happened to be, "long enough to put into a sizable braid." You're a good man, Moonis, and I am grateful to have had a chance to meet you, get to know you, befriend you, and love you. **

**Now marry me, dammit! We could Honeymoon in the States! Maybe in like South Dakota or South Carolina or another one of those wacky directional states that they've got over there. WHY WON'T YOU ACCEPT MY LOVE!?!!?!?!?!**

**No, I am not drunk. **

**Maybe **_**you're**_** drunk. **

**Hey, it's not as impossible as you'd like people to think. I've seen it before, Mr. Buck Naked. **

… **I haven't been huffing glue!**

**I resent that. **

**Resent, you twit. **

**R-E-S-E-N-T! **

**You know: ****to feel or show displeasure or indignation at (a person, act, remark, etc.) from a sense of injury or insult. **

**If you knew what it meant, then why did you ask?**

**Fine then. I didn't know what it meant. I looked it up.**

**Looked it up. You know, in a dictionary. **

**I can use a **_**dictionary.**_

**What do you mean? Of course I can **_**read.**_

**If I couldn't read, don't you think I would have had trouble comprehending what I had written you?**

**So there. **

**Anyway, back to what I was saying. You're like my brother, Moons. You're like my sister sometimes too, which can be a little disturbing and confusing for me so please stop. You're awesome, and handsome, and really pissing me off with your rejections, but I love you anyways. You rock, don't ever change. See you tomorrow in that beautiful cap and gown!**

**-Padfoot (a.k.a. Sirius Black)**

**P.S. This was all a government plot to keep you from your mac and cheese.**

_Moony! Remus! Ahhh!_

_Yes, I am freaking out. Completely and utterly freaking out. I think I might be sick, seriously so very sick that I keep writing and writing and writing and I don't think I'll be able to stop writing because I am freaking out so much and I can't believe we're graduating tomorrow it doesn't feel real I keep thinking I'm still a first year I AM FREAKING OUT AND WRITING A REALLY LONG RUN-ON SENTENCE! _

_Wow, okay, I am calm again. _

_Deep breathing. _

_Let me try again: _

_Moony, _

_So, we're graduating tomorrow. Can you believe it? Seven years of magical education just finished, done, over with. I bet you're looking forward to the end as much as I am, huh? We are definitely Hogwarts people, that's for sure. But I think we'll end up fitting in elsewhere at some point…_

_Seven years we've known each other. It's been seven years! Can you believe that? I mean, it feels like yesterday we were getting lost together on the way to Transfiguration for the first time. _

_It really does. _

_Thankfully, though, the embarrassment of Sirius and James standing and applauding when we got there has faded. _

_Did I sleep through everything? This doesn't feel like anytime has passed. In fact, I wouldn't believe it at all if it were for the fact that Sirius just dropped his pants and I got an eyeful of pubic hair that probably wasn't there when we first started school. _

_I hope. _

_No eleven year should have to develop hair there…_

_Why am I talking about Padfoot's pubic hair? I must want a closer look at it, if it's consuming so much of my brain power. _

_Oh God, now I am thinking up gay jokes about myself! _

_Help me, Moonis! I'm turning into one of THEM!_

…………

_I don't really see how pouring gravy on my head was supposed to help, Remus. Now I just smell a little like beef and flour. _

_Stop laughing! No, stop it! If you don't stop in the next ten seconds I am telling Sirius you accept his proposal and I will personally help him carry you off to the nearest international porkey! I will. I'll even pack a white man-thong for you to wear at your beach wedding. That and nothing else. _

_Wow. That shut you up quickly! Hey wait, come back! Don't leave me here with Padfoot while I'm dripping in gravy! _

_Shit. _

_Well, I'll talk to you later, Moony. So long and thanks for all food products dumped over my head!_

_-Wormtail_

Remus, 

When I first met you, I was convinced that you were deaf. 

I really was. And I'm sorry. 

You just never seemed to talk, and the teachers were always looking at you, so I just assumed that you were reading their lips or something. 

I hope you can forgive me. 

But, that aside, Remus you are a truly _normal_ person. I still am unsure as to why you are hanging out with these crazy "Marauders," but since you seem to like them for some reason…

Maybe it's because all of you have your own individual plots to take over the world. It does strike me as a little odd that all of them somehow involve Oscar Wilde, an army of kittens, and raw eggs. But none of you use them in the same way. It's kinda scary how many uses you have for all those things. 

You really are a good kid, Remus. I'll never understand why you didn't become Head Boy. Don't tell James, but I think you'd have done a better job. BUT PLEASE DON'T TELL HIM, I'LL NEVER LIVE IT DOWN!!!

Well, that's great. Thanks for telling me he was reading over my shoulder. Now he'll be off in the bathroom crying and hugging that ridiculous teddy bear that you all bought him for his seventeenth birthday. 

What have you been calling him? 

Oh that's right.

Elvendork. 

Beautiful name for purple teddy bear. 

Which apparently has no specified gender. 

Because that's totally normal. Having a purple teddy bear of an unspecified gender named Elvendork at age 18. 

Jesus, you people are too weird for your own good. One of these days all of you are going to be locked up in an asylum. And, unfortunately, I will be stuck there with you.

And Sirius. 

Alone, with you four, in a little white room in a straight jacket, trying not to go any crazier than I'll already be. 

Oh dear God, Remus, run while you've got the chance. If I don't make it out of here alive, tell my father that I love him, and spit in my sister's eye for me!

In all seriousness, though, Remus you're an amazing guy, and I have no clue how I came to deserve such a kind friend. Stay close, stay in touch, and stay positive (as if you'll have much of a choice with Sirius around). 

And you still owe me for making me feel uncomfortable about my brownie fantasies. And for that time where you made me think you'd overdosed on pain killers because you were mad at me. Though, the foaming at the mouth was surprisingly realistic. 

Bastard. 

Oh well. 

Love, 

Lily. 

Remus John Lupin,

For the record, I'm not so sure how I feel about you ruling the world. Not that I'm apposed to you being my benevolent dictator or anything, it's mostly the whole chocolate thing. Now, I like chocolate as much as the next bloke, but I really don't think it can solve ALL of the world's problems. I mean, I doubt you could just waltz up to Voldemort, hand him a hunk of Honeydukes' Best and end the war.

But, if you want to try, God speed. I'll write you up a great eulogy assuming that I don't stupidly follow you into battle.

Which I probably will.

So, for my sake, don't try it. Please? I have a family.

Yes, I am aware that I am not actually married to Lily with a beautiful bouncy baby boy who looks exactly like his papa, but I will someday. Do you really want to rob me of the dream?

You do?

You're a right arse, Moony.

Remus, together, the four of us have done some of the craziest things I can ever recall happening. No lie. Like, that one time when we decided we needed chips at one in the morning. And we went on The Epic Fry Quest, because we discovered that those crazy Americans call chips "fries" and therefore had to modify our vocabulary for the night, and so we went along stopping at every restaurant within twenty miles of your home searching for hot, crispy, delicious "fries." And, we finally found them, after such a taxing search. And then Padfoot had a "fry-gasm" in your backseat and you got all annoyed because you had to clean it.

Which, we learned, you charge extra for.

Good times.

I never did ask, but how do you know how to drive anyway? I mean, I know your Mum owns a car and all that, but I don't think I ever inquired as to why. I bet, if I did ask, you wouldn't tell me. I bet that it's because you're really a secret agent for the Muggle government who masquerades as a wizard all the time in order to eventually bring down our society from the inside and allow your non-magical superiors to totally rule the planet!

If so, I must say, you fake it quite well. The whole doing magic and being a werewolf thing is quite convincing. You should win one of those American-Muggle Film Awards. You certainly deserve one for this amazing bit of lying, cheating, and faking. Since you were eleven nonetheless. Really, Moony (if that _is _your fake name) you're quite talented.

Wait, wasn't that was the very same day that we all discovered that one restaurant that serves breakfast 24 hours a day? And Padfoot and I both tried to order the same drink that they didn't have. And last, but not least, we learned, with great attention to detail being paid, about all of Padfoot's excursions into the land of drunken-same-sex-relations. I'll never be able to look a butter-churn in the face again.

_**Ever. **_

I think I might have accidentally gotten some vomit on the corner of this page, Moons. I sincerely apologize, but I did try to clean it up the best of my ability.

Are you aware that I invented the question mark? I've been hiding that from you all for years because I didn't want you to judge me just because I am a famous inventor of a quite useful grammar contraption. I hope that things don't change between us now that I've told you.

Must you resort to violence, Moonis? Can't a guy make one outrageous claim like he invented a punctuation mark that existed several millennia before his birth without being smacked with a Chocolate Frog around here?

I guess not.

So, let's be serious for a moment here. Not Sirius, S-I-R-I-U-S, but serious, S-E-R-I-O-U-S. I'm not quite so sure about this whole not-getting-a-real-job-in-order-to-fight-Voldemort-full-time thing anymore. I am thinking of getting an actual job. Like an accountant. Or a knight.

I'd make a good knight, I think. Wouldn't I?

Again with the violence! Jeez, Moony, you think I was speaking in nothing but a mixture of ludicrous absurdities and memories all the time or something with the way you treat me.

You know what? I think that this is all because you are still mad at me for that time in 3rd year when I dared you to run out into that group of kids playing that crazy Muggle sport football (did you know that the Americans call that soccer, and have a completely different sport called football?) and yell out a random vegetable on Friday the thirteenth. And you did, and somehow managed to collide with somebody, and sprained you ankle. Ah, yes, I am talking about THAT Corn Day. And then, to make things so deliciously twisted, years later you managed to get a concussion from AN EAR OF CORN!!!! Granted, somebody did throw the corn at your head, but nonetheless you suffered a concussion from corn.

Enough with the violence! I don't think that the back of my head can take it anymore!

And yes, I am well aware that I am obnoxiously obsessed with Americans, Muggles, and American Muggles. I don't really see a problem with that! Are you saying there is a problem with that?

Racist! You're racist! Like cancer!

You know what? I am ending this argument here and now.

Why, you ask?

Because I win.

I have the longer beard, so I win.

Yes, it is longer.

I am aware that neither of us have any form of facial hair, Moonis, but I still have the longer beard.

Well, I think I shall wrap this up now before you start physically abusing me again.

Stay sane, my friend!

-James A. Potter

**Well, that's all for now. I'll update when I can, but I have a million and a half things on my plate at the mo. Also, as some of you might know, certain pieces of this chapter were drawn from real life. Others were drawn from uncyclopedia. Figured I'd give credit where it's due. Thanks, and good night!**


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